I can admit it, I’m not a nice person all the time. I can also admit that Fifty Shades of Grey bothers me a whole lot [stalking, abusive relationship with an unhealthy power differential, Ana being a bitch that’s hard to sympathize with, etc… bet you couldn’t tell by my various rants on the subject, right? Right?] … it bothered me enough that I needed to unleash my anger via writing.
So I am wrote a full-length spitefic, because Ana deserves a chance to not be a nitwit who is so in awe of her douchebag jerk of a husband. Plus I did the reader a favor by killing the Inner Goddess and removing unneeded clauses. I massacred my darlings to bring a streamlined tale of female empowerment, ‘kink’ and sexy fun times, as well as recognizing an abuser for being a fucktard.
Well, originally, it was just a flash fiction piece posted on FanFiction. But people liked it enough that I kept writing until I killed Christian “Motherfucking” Grey.
I wrote it not just because I hated that Ana never recognized what an asshat her bully was, but because once upon a time, I was Ana. Raised sheltered, had a very naive outlook on life, trusted 1000% in true love and had complete faith that my boyfriend/fiance/husband would never, ever deliberately hurt or betray my trust in him. Because I got indoctrinated in the Disney Phenomena: Prince Charming Always Gives the Princess a Happy Ending.
Always a “They Lived Happily Ever After.”
I own what has happened to me in that relationship; how can I not when it still haunts me to this day? Nothing quite as sweet as when you’re watching a movie, say, Sin City, with your beloved who then tells you that if he wanted to make you disappear, he knows exactly where he’d hide your body, right? Doesn’t that make one feel safe and secure to know one’s husband and father of your children has thought about killing/hiding your body? That the person you consented to stay with, through thick and thin, felt the urge to explore a murder fantasy so thoroughly that he knew how to dispose of unwanted remains?
Or being raped by the boyfriend of the chick my then newly-wed hubby wanted to nail. I’ve put these instances into my stories. Not just for the dramatic factor, but because shit like that really happens to people. If everyone wrote about sunshine and roses, one can’t forget the sunburn and thorns that come with.
For me (and like my character, Kaylis Woods) writing is a form of therapy, of exercising control over a situation that in real life, I felt I had no control. Unlike Kay, I didn’t make a witty retort to my ex in retaliation for shitty words. I sat in silence and wondered why would he say that to me? Why does he hate me so much? I sat there and took it; Kaylis got the power that I didn’t feel I had to walk away. Izzy, too, she got the gumption and resources to bounce out of her marriage while the getting was good. In reality, my ex walked out when I refused to move in with my parents.
That said, not every asshole in my books is based off my ex husband. He provided the bones, but others and my imagination have given it tendons, muscles, and skin.
Found out I dated a guy who collected child porn. Here’s the thing; I was so scared of dating after my ex-husband, I had two different background checks done on him. But those checks don’t reveal what’s never been caught. My kids were mostly living with their father (the man does love his kids, I’ll give him that) at the time (thank goodness) and my ‘boyfriend’ brought that shit into my home. Oh, and I was molested as a kid, so that just adds another depth to my upset about that topic. The character Jetnia will be dealing with similar ghosts in The Jetnia Phenomenon. Because that son of a bitch has never been arrested (went to PD and FBI with the evidence) I have no closure. Jet will give me some measure of closure.
For some, reading is a mindless activity; not to say that they aren’t using their mind, but in the sense that reading doesn’t really require one to actively mull over what they’ve just read. Just go with the flow of the story and enjoy the ride. For others, they can enjoy the ride and critically think about what it is they are delving into, that the sub-context is just as important as the plot for the enjoyment of the piece. That’s the line I aim for when I write. I want to make the story resonate, have depth, and speak from the heart.
My name is Amanda, and writing is my therapeutic release.