Paragard my uterus; an adventure with an IUD

Okay, after my ‘abortion adventure’ I decided that I shall never, ever, EVER fucking put myself in that position again; obviously hormonal birth control was a bust as were condoms. So after consulting my insurance options, I settled on Paragard IUD.

It’s a tiny little t-shaped doohickey wound in copper wire; the copper creates a hostile environment for sperm to dwell and pretty much kills the invasive fuckers. There’s another option, called Mirena, and it’s tiny and t-shaped, but contains hormones, however, that IUD doesn’t have the awesome emergency contraception aspect Paragard does.

Made the appointment at my local Planned Parenthood; didn’t have to wait long before I was whisked away to an exam room. Can’t lie, the whole putting my feet in the stirrups brought on an anxiety attack– I expected it to be miserable, like a pap smear performed by an amatuer at best or the gnarly twin of the evil abortion at worst. After a series of health questions, the nurse verified that I wanted an IUD, and that I wanted Paragard (which is viable for 12 years. That’s a dozen years of not having to worry about getting preggers- priceless!) and I got informed of the side effects- when viewed against a backdrop of near-sterilization type percentages of efficiency, seem acceptable.

After that, I got to face the demon of gynecological stirrups.

It was like a pap smear. First the sounding, which uses a special ‘ruler’ to measure the depth of the uterus, then the IUD is loaded, and inserted to the required depth. To me, the speculum was more irritating than the ‘clamp’ used to hold the cervix steady (my doctor was very gentle!) and the actual insertion felt like a menstrual cramp. Got to get dressed and drive home in a timely manner. Felt rather pleased with myself.

Cramping for a week or so is expected, being there’s a foreign object lodged in my babymaker, and said babymaker needs to adjust and make friends. Maybe shake hands and do a bro hug. One can hope. Spotting, too, to be expected.

What I didn’t prepare for was The fucking Shining taking over my uterus.

What, you say? The Shining? Something about bushes? or that it’s a-mazing?


I mean this very specific part.

The insertion induced my period over a week early.

And is was incredibly heavy for 4 days before tapering off for 3 more days.

Now that my first period is over, I can say that I feel a little apprehensive and despite the heavy period from hell, if I don’t get pregnant from now to 2027 (one gets a little card detailing when the IUD should be removed/replaced) or go anemic, then I’ll consider it a win.


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