Adventures of St John van Smithers, the Arachnocock (an ongoing tale of mutated achranids)

Subtitled: why twitter can be a blessing and curse.

Backstory: a small group of authors were discussing random and various things. Until a snarky Scotswoman mentioned something outrageous. So I drew it. KIMG0169

And now, St. John van Smithers, the eight-legged Arachnocock Jizzhose Spider of Darkest Peru (indigenous of Borneo) was created. But no, I couldn’t just leave it at that. Someone made the observation that his multi-dicks could be useful in erotica. With oral, DP, hands and feet, that leaves one unoccupied dong. So I suggested he could rub against the person, like a perv in a subway. “Great,” she says, “Scruffy man in a trench coat”. Boom! Done!


But St John van Smithers really isn’t a pervert. He’s a gentleman at heart. Feeling down? He’ll bring you flowers.


Now, being that the ladies discussing the Arachnocock were all romance/erotica writers, questions flowed forth regarding reproductive abilities. For example, are his “feet” always red? Answer, no. They get engorged and turn purple when he’s aroused.


Details like that are the bread and butter of authors, just so you know. When we write, we want to be accurate and whathot. But getting hard, bringing flowers, or cosplaying as a subway perv aren’t St John’s only qualities. Hungry? Feel like a cup of tea? He’s got your back.


So, I mentioned cosplay. When I hear/see Arachnocock, I can’t help but think Ragnarok, the Norse end of days.

Archnocock Ragnarok!

It was then suggested maybe a kilt and Fabio. Pretty sure it wasn’t meant for at the same time, but how many covers did Fabio grace in a kilt? Answer: NOT ENOUGH.   Besides, if you saw this fellow on OKC, you’d be interested, right?


But plastered with someone else’s face didn’t really work out for him. And thus, he entered many stages of rebellion. First, there was the Johnny Depp inspired Pirate Phase.

Cap'n BlueBalls

Then there was the Dapper Mr. Peanut phase.
God, how he loved that monocle.


Then, one day at the used book store (over by Chico State University… it’s very popular with the Arachnocock crowd) St John found a book. Complete Works from The Globe Theatre by William Shakespeare. And he was smitten.


But then the novelty wore off and he felt like Sid Vicious looking for his Nancy.

Radio Arachnocock

Now, this isn’t the end of St John van Smithers, for it was suggested he get a face lift. So that’ll happen in the near future. If you want more tales of St John, bookmark this page, for as long as I’m inspired, they’ll keep coming! -M


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